Dear Diary

Hey there..

So, here we are 2013. I’m surprised its been so long since I’ve posted something.

Today im stuck at home on The couch with a box of tissues. No, not out of sadness. I’m sick. I’m watching the show “awkward” like a little 13 year old. and I like it lol. It reminds me of my high school years with all the dating And drama… A lot simpler than the mess I’ve been dealing with the last couple months.

My husband and I decided to have a baby. we were pregnant immediately, and 12 weeks later we had a miscarriage. two months later we were pregnant again. It was difficult this time to be excited. And for good reason, i miscarried again 6 weeks later. That time I had to go into surgery. Now I’m at the point that I need a break. Maybe babies and pregnancy isn’t for me. John is on a mission. He is ready for it and deff wants a baby ASAP. But it’s going be a difficult decision to try again.

I’m more concerned now with remodeling my house, working out, and my new puppy, she sure smoothed over the sadness of loosing another pregnancy.  It’s been 3 weeks and honestly I’m doing good. There are difficult moments, but overall this time was easier.

That’s my update, I’m going back to hoarding tissues!

whats up with you this 2013?

sky

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10/4/12 My Father In Law Is Satin’s Buddy

Wow.
My father in law derived from the coals of hell, I swear.
He makes me cry every time he comes to visit us, and has already driven a wedge between John and I.
He ruined the week of our wedding because of the drama he starts.
He causes so much stress for me that I miss my period every time he visits!

Ok
Ok
Let me explain a bit.
They live out of state, luckily. So they don’t visit often. But every time they do all hell breaks loose. “he” is the problematic one. His wife, my mother In law, is just his little puppy dog that follows him wherever he goes.
He is the kind of old man that believes that women belongs in the kitchen or laundry room at his beck & call.
His relationship with his wife is that of a dog and owner. He barks orders and she follows without question.

Now let me get something clear,
I AM NOT LIKE THAT

I do NOT follow my husband around like a puppy. I am an independent woman of the 21st century. I have my own job, while handling house work and johns book keeping.
My husband is NOT my keeper. And I’m not his. We have a very equal relationship. Yes, I do womanly things like cooking meals. But my husband WILL help clean the dishes and pick up after himself.
My father in law doesn’t understand this. He also decided he should change our relationship.
For example: I went away for a week for work. (if my father in law had asked us what time would work for our schedule instead of booking his flight and expecting us to drop everything, I would have been home) I cleaned the house before I left. But i know john will make a mess while I’m gone. I told him, don’t worry about the floors, but I would appreciate it if you would have the counter tops clean and everything picked up before I come back.
I called John on my way home to make sure he was home, I missed him and wanted to spend some time with him after a week away and an 8 hour drive.
John started cleaning up procrastinating like always. When his father saw this he said, “John, that’s woman’s work. She can do that when she gets home. Let’s go to town.” John tried to argue but he’s scared of his dad.
So I came home to a dirty house. And no John.
Coffee stains all over the white countertops trash and dirty clothes Laying every where. One big mess. After a week away and a long drive. I got to come home and clean.

Johns dad also doesn’t want to share John. When he’s here he constantly tries to pull him away. I’m not a clingy person but after a week apart I just wanted to see my husband again.

The most frustrating thing is that he tries to come between us. When John and I decide for example, that we have to pay bills together today. His father will suddenly decide that they have to go tour a farm nearby. Making John choose between us.
If John chooses him I might be frustrated. But I’ll get over it.
If John chooses me his dad will run out of the house yelling mad.
After that he’ll sit outside and pout for the rest of the day.
We talked to him about it once. We told him that it wasn’t nice of him to get so mad. His answer:
“I don’t get mad. I’m never mad”
He really didn’t understand, he said he sometimes gets disappointed but never mad.
Whatever…
Anyway. Now he wants to come again. I’m not looking forward to it. Especially with John and my’s baby problems.
Grrr
I hate my father in law
I just have to remember that
We’re all just human

Skylar

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10/4/12 Baby Problems With The Hubbie

So, big news.
My husband and I decided to try for a baby. Yay right?
Well kind of.
We’ve been talking about it for the last year or so and finally last week he decided it was time to start trying.
Sooo… Unprotected sex.
My husband has a high libido if he could have sex three times daily he would. A few days into trying; his libido drops, suddenly he’s not up for it; too tired, to busy, excuse after excuse.
I asked him about it and he just gave more excuses. Today I asked him again and he finally gave me a straight answer. He said, “if you get pregnant this month I wouldn’t be super excited. I really wouldn’t mind if you’re not.”
So as a woman I’ve dreamed of the moment when you both are sitting together excitedly waiting for a pregnancy test to give its answer.
Well,
That dream just went up in a puff of smoke.
I don’t know what to do… I know he’ll be a great dad. He loves kids, loves me. But he just has cold feet.
Should I keep having unprotected sex with him while he wants to?
Or should we stop and re-think things?
I’m just worried that if we stop it’ll take him another year to get back on the daddy band wagon.
Is that selfish?
Well, If it is; oh well
I’m only human

Skylar.

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9/10/12 – Brutally honest about my own personality

Dear Diary

Brutally honest about my own personality.
That’s the title of this post, obviously.

I think everyone should take a moment to do just that, be brutally honest about your own personality.
What are you like? -step out of your shoes for a moment and view yourself as someone else would.

So, that’s what I did for this post:

In only one word I would describe myself as: aggressive.
I have an aggressive, to-the-point type of personality, I like to get things done… and fast.
This is annoying to my husband. Who likes to take a coffee break every afternoon and morning.
He works LONG hours outside in the heat,
so he definitely deserves a break.
I work inside in the air conditioning most of the time,
so my body doesn’t need a break.
It feels like a waste of time and I get impatient.

Impatient.
– another great word to describe me.
I am deffinitely not a patient person.
The good thing is: I know that about myself.
I deal with kids a lot, but if I feel myself getting impatient I take a deep breath and move on.

Brutally honest. – There’s a reason this is part of the title.
I am a brutally honest person.
Yes – This has gotten me into a lot of trouble.
Over the years I’ve had to push myself into developing a verbal filter.
Personally, I still don’t think I have as much of a filter as I should…
but I guess it takes time.

Another quality that goes hand-in-hand with being brutally honest is that: if I want to know something, I ask.
Earlier this week I was talking to our local vet,
a friend of ours, he mentioned a little about a local farmer filing bankrupcy.
Of course, I asked who. He mumbled this and that and talked his way around the question.
I know that some things concerning his clients are confidential so I said, “oh, do you not want to tell me?” motioning my hand as if to say, “It’s no problem.”
My husband is completely different, he would rather wait and see if he mentions a name instead of blatantly asking.

I guess in a way John is my better half, he is genuinely a good person. A much better person than I am.
He is caring, patient, doesn’t like confrontation, kind-hearted, not cocky or egotistical, he is humble and real.
Sometime I tell him he’s too good:
Last week he sold three calves to a local calf raising operation.
They quoted him $40 a piece. When we got the check in the mail this week the man paid only $30
My husband called him and the man stated that the price had gone down.
When my husband told me I said, “That’s bull shit, call him back and tell him that you want that money. And if he wont, tell him to split the difference.”
He called him back, and they split the difference.
We make a good team.

I told someone once, that if there was a duplicate of me I wouldn’t get along with her.

I wouldn’t get along with myself. My type of personality puts a lot of people off, and I think in my case opposites attract.
I couldn’t be with someone who is just like me, it would be like the wrong side of two magnets.
I need someone to set me straight be my better half, luckily that’s John.

Of course, I do have good qualities too, I am loyal, friendly, genuinely interested in others, good with kids, a hard-working person, and stubborn as hell 😉

I think its good to look at yourself now and then and see how you really are.
That way you can see the negative side of yourself too and try to make changes to make yourself a better person.

I know my blog is new and small, I don’t have many followers so I don’t expect many people to do this but here goes:
Take some time to look at yourself, be brutally honest. Think about what is good and bad about your personality, like I did.
You can just think about it, or write it down. If you want you can even comment it below. Feel free.

You can push yourself to make changes. But just remember,

We are only human

– Skylar

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8/29/12 – People that PISS me off part 1

Dear Diary

Do you know what pisses me off?

Women who purposely get pregnant when they aren’t in any situation to care for a child.
THIS IS SELFISH, plain and simple.
A child is not a puppy you can leave at home, it’s a real human being that YOU are in charge of…

Alright, before my incessant venting gets out of hand I should explain the whole story.

Once upon a time:
WARNING: DONT DO THIS AT HOME

I had this friend,
not my friend anymore, but that’s not the point.
She was an ok friend, you know, one of those friends you don’t all-the-way trust with your deepest darkest secrets. But you still want to go out on friday nights with. Well, This friend… lets call her Ursula. Was dating… Eric for a few months.
They:
– Argued
– Fought
– Broke up
– Got back together
– Argued

– Had unprotected sex…
wait, what?
Yes, unprotected sex.
– Took Plan B,
also called the morning after pill.
– Had unprotected sex…
yes, again… MORON

This time Ursula decided she wanted a baby. She decided not to take the morning after pill.
A little while later she called me, She was SO excited,
she said, “GUESS WHAT! I’m pregnant!”
– Did I mention earlier that she’s only 19 at the time


Her mother took extra shifts on her work at a factory and odd hours so she could help with taking care of the little boy.
He was shuttled off from one family member to the other while Ursula worked the night shift.  Then shuttled off to his dad when possible.
There was, and still isn’t any stability in his life. He is pushed from person to person several times a day, whether its Ursula, his grandma, dad, or babysitter.

Now, now, now. I also want to add that the story of how Ursula’s boy was conceived was told to me directly from Ursula, not second-hand, or through the grapevine…

Getting pregnant like this is a mistake that can happen and has happened to many people. I don’t blame her for it. And she is trying her best to give her son a good life.

HERE COMES THE THING THAT PISSES ME OFF:

Since her divorce Ursula has had boyfriend after boyfriend, no relationship ever lasting over a few months.
She has now met…
lets call him BOB.
Bob sure is a keeper, he has had two marriages, is currently going through his second divorce in three years. And Bob also has a child from either wife…
ex-wife… whatever.
She was dating BOB for a little over a month and GUESS WHAT??

She’s pregnant… again.

When she has this baby she and Bob will all together have four kids from four different sets of parents.

This is what pisses me off.
What kind of life is this second child going to have, carted off from one person to the next.
And what about Ursula’s poor mom, who worked her ass off to help her with her son.

Oh, did I mention that she’s engaged?  Yea and she claims that this rock, is so much better than the last one.
“The last one was cheap”
I hope this one costs less if divided by the years spent together, with their track record it probably wont…

A sad fact: She and Bob are moving about 4-5 hours away, and taking the kids with them.
Eric gave up his dreams to stay in town close to his son, now she’s taking him away from Eric.

Oh, and another update, she found out what the sex of the new baby is.
After stating, “I deserve a girl”
GUESS WHAT?
It’s a boy!

There are many people out there who can even get pregnant. It’s frustrating that there are people out there like Ursula who take having kids for granted. And get knocked up like it’s no big deal.

I might be a bitch to post all of this negativity, but what can I say;

I’m only human

– Skylar

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8/29/12 – The first year of marriage is NOT the hardest part

Dear Diary

We have a good strong relationship… “NOW” – It hasn’t always been this way.
You know how they say “The first year of marriage is the hardest”?
Well,

THEY ARE WRONG!

It’s the first year of living together that’s the worst. When my husband (“boyfriend” at the time) and I moved in together I moved streight out of my parents home into “Our” home.
And let me tell ya…

Not only do you have to learn to cook for yourself, clean the ENTIRE house, pick up after yourself, do your own groceries, make your own money, pay your own utilities… ect.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR TWO!!

Now, don’t get me wrong. My parents raised me to be independent, they didn’t baby me. But going from cleaning up your room to cleaning up your whole house is a big step.
Not to mention worrying about paying for bills…

My husband is not a slob… well not completely. But he’s also not one to pick up after himself… Besides going to college and working two jobs I found myself cleaning up HIS CRAP, washing HIS laundry, cooking OUR meals, and going crazy trying to juggle everything.

Of course school work is the first shit to hit the fan.

I think I flunked at least half of my classes that semester. With all the stress of doing so much all of a sudden, we decided we just NEEDED a dog… well I guess that was mostly me deciding…
OH! BUT NO! not any dog, a scared out of her mind, Doberman Pitcher. Whitney, I love that dog… wouldn’t trade her for the world.It did add more to the overwhelming responsibility though…

Like any human being, we are flawed..
We begin bickering and arguing about stupid things.
– “You didn’t pick up butter from Wal-mart!” – “FOR THE LAST TIME, don’t leave your nasty socks on the kitchen floor” -“Feed the damn Dog!”
NAG NAG NAG

This is the hardest part… not marriage, but living together.
– He snores
– Her long strands of hair get on EVERYTHING
– His shoes stink
– I found her period stuff!
The list goes on…

With all the nagging, bickering, and arguing going on you learn to communicate, solve problems, push each other’s buttons, and finally compromise.

Some people are plain and simple… not strong enough it breaks them. But for those of you who are strong enough and patient enough.
The years after living together are wonderful, totally worth it.
Plus, if other stressors come along it gets easier and easier to work through them.

Argue, bicker, compromise, and love each other. After this you will have a base to work from, to BUILD from.

John and I have been living together for going on three years now, now and then we still argue but that’s natural,
I was raised the European style
(at least that’s what I call it.) My brothers and I were expected to live together for a while before marrying.
I love that though. I don’t think you really get to know if a relationship will work until you live together for a while.
Of course there are other reasons why relationships end, but in my opinion, there would be less divorce if everyone
test drove the car before buying”.

Anyway, that’s my opinion.

I’m only human, right?

– Skylar

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8/15/12 – Back Track

So, here goes the over used… “DEAR DIARY

Man, I feel like I’m 10 again 😉

Here I am once again blogging. I think putting feelings into words helps me sort everything out.
So before I write the post that I was planning on I thought I should back track a bit.

My husband and I have been married for about a year now. We’ve lived together longer.
 We really enjoy each other, Thank goodness -RIGHT? It would be bad if we didn’t 😉
If I think of two peas in a pod I think of us. We fit together so well its like we’ve never been apart.

I think our relationship is the way it’s supposed to be; I miss him when he’s not around (N vise versa), and we can just sit together stuck in a car for hours and enjoy each other’s company.

My 5th grade teacher… I think her name was Mrs. Wade – Not that it matters.
She tought the class once about “Comfortable Silence”
Comfortable silence is when you can be quiet together and not read into the lack of conversation, just enjoy each other’s quiet company.
As opposed to uncomfortable silence, which according to Catzilla on (this link) sometimes involves a sneaked fart and three or more people 😉
Now, all jokes aside, I think comfortable silence should be envied in a relationship, it also has to be learned.
– my husband and I are lucky to have a good balance of comfortable silence in our relationship 😉

So, I wanted this to be the PRE- to my other “Dear Diary” entries, because most likely I will bitch and vent about the annoying, aggravating, frustrating things my LOVELY husband does.
In the end we have a great relationship and love each other a LOT! But we do argue now and then and we do disagree at times too.

What can you expect…

I’m only human.

-Skylar

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